


you matter to me

by annabeth_hamilton



Category: The Queen's Thief - Megan Whalen Turner
Genre: Allusions to Immakuk and Ennikar, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22588762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_hamilton/pseuds/annabeth_hamilton
Summary: Kamet loves Roa, but he's sure something is going to ruin his happiness, just like it always does.
Relationships: Kamet & Costis Ormentiedes, Kamet/Costis Ormentiedes
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	you matter to me

Kamet is slowly settling into Roa, slowly getting used to the comfortable domesticity of the home he unscrupulously shares with Costis. He finds himself growing to love the green hills and the peaceful times and the texts he translates, but he can’t seem to shake the feeling that everything is going to come crashing down at any moment.  _ People always leave,  _ a little voice that sounds suspiciously like his master keeps telling him,  _ they will hurt you or hate you or betray you. You can’t trust Costis. You should have stayed where it was safe and comfortable.  _

Kamet tries to tell that little voice in the back of his mind that yes, he does trust Costis, but he keeps remembering Marin. What happened when he dared to dream of another life with her, what happened when he trusted too much, and, worst of all, what happened when he dared to love. Love always seems to hurt Kamet. He loved Laela like a sister and she betrayed him and his trust. He used to trust that the Medes were trustworthy and safe, but then he learned all that they did to him and he doesn’t trust that his once-beloved master spoke the truth. Kamet hates the way he almost finds himself _ loving  _ Costis, loving the way he smiles whenever Kamet rambles about his work, the increasing number of freckles on his face, the overeager way he shows Kamet plants he finds. Yes, Kamet is finding it harder and harder not to love Costis every day. 

\--- 

It’s been two months since they arrived, and it’s pouring rain and thunder is booming all around the house when Costis stumbles in, looking uncharacteristically pale and anxious. His tunic is soaked through and Kamet can’t help but notice how appealingly it clings to Costis’s ridiculously muscled arms. He gives himself a mental shake and tries to interpret Costis’s features.  _ Gods.  _ His vision is terrible. Instead, he busies himself by turning around to pick up a soft blanket off of the floor. At the very least, Costis will be warm. 

When he turns back around, Kamet notices, shocked, that Costis is curled up on the floor, curled tightly in a ball and definitely trembling. Kamet feels sympathy stir in him. How many times has Costis seen him like this? As Kamet gets closer, he sees that Costis is trying very hard not to give his emotions away. Of course, this fails miserably, and Kamet can tell that Costis is terrified. Kamet kneels on the floor beside him and hesitant;y wraps the blanket tightly around Costis’s shoulder. 

“Costis?” He says, softly, “Are you all right?” It’s exactly what Laela used to say to him after his master beat him.

“Kamet,” Costis sobs. The next thing Kamet does surprises both of them. He reaches out and hugs Costis as tightly as he can, not even caring if his fine tunic gets soaked. Kamet isn’t quite sure why he decided to hug Costis, but he already can feel Costis gripping him very tightly and sobbing into his shoulder.  _ This is nice,  _ Kamet thinks and then recoils at the thought. 

Just then, a bright flash fills Kamet’s vision and, a moment later, thunder, terrifyingly loud, echos around them. Kamet doesn’t jump-he’s weathered many terrible storms, but Costis flinches, covers his ears and lets out a shrill sound that somewhere between a sob and a screech. Kamet winces. Poor Costis is terrified of the thunder. Kamet wonders at this because he’s always felt that Costis might be afraid of nothing. Either way, Kamet decides that holding tightly to Costis is the only thing that’s going to help. Anet knows it’s the only thing that helps Kamet when he’s terrified, and he tightens his hold on Costis. 

He definitely doesn’t feel a surge of ease settle over him at the closeness of their bodies and he definitely doesn’t inwardly feel a twinge of warmth in his stomach when Costis buries his head deeper in Kamet’s shoulder. 

It surprises Kamet, really, that time manages to slip by quickly with Costis tucked in his arms. Eventually, the thunder stops and Costis, shakily, look up. His face is somewhere between relieved, apologetic, stricken and terrified, and Kamet is suddenly very aware of his arms around the Attolian. He jumps back, embarrassed by his rare show of… what, exactly? Affection? Comfort? Support? Either way, he’s surprised himself. He’s always reserved around Costis, and now he’s giving him hugs? Freedom really had changed Kamet, he realizes, startled. He barely trusted Costis and now he’s hugging him?  _ Gods.  _

Costis says something, snapping Kamet out of his reverie. Still too proud to ask Costis to repeat it, Kamet just sits there. 

“Kamet?” Costis’s voice is hoarse. 

“What?” 

“I’m sorry,”  _ Sorry?  _ Why is Costis sorry?

“What?” Kamet says again, stupidly. He’s really lost a lot of eloquence since his arrival in Roa. 

“I’m sorry,” Costis says again. 

_ Oh, Costis, you never need to apologize to me.  _ Kamet thinks. 

“Don’t be sorry,” He chokes on Costis’s name. Kamet doesn’t know why. 

“I’m-Kamet, I know you don’t like being touched. I shouldn’t’ ve-” 

“I don’t mind,” Kamet says, quietly. It surprises him. Costis just sounds so sorry that Kamet can’t help himself. It’s true-he’s found himself craving the slightest brushes of skin with Costis. The contact is reassuring, even if Kamet will admit it to nobody but himself.

“I mean,” He amends, “if it helps you,” Costis seems to wilt a little. Inwardly, he breathes a sigh of relief. 

_ Don’t get attached.  _

_ \--- _

It’s been two and a half months when a small ship arrives flying the banner of the king. Kamet calls Costis from the woods and together, they greet the ship. A young boy, scarcely over the age of fifteen, stumbles out, distraught.

“War! War with the Medes!” He cries. Kamet freezes. Beside him, Costis goes pale. 

That night, they invite the boy into their house. He won’t speak, and that night, Kamet holds Costis as he sobs about his home… 

\---

It’s been four months, and they haven’t had news of the war in nearly three weeks. As it is, Kamet thinks that it’s a good sign that the Medes haven’t conquered the Little Peninsula yet, but he doesn’t say that to Costis when Costis tells Kamet how afraid he is. Kamet wonders how long it took Costis to realize that he  _ could  _ be afraid.

“I’m terrified, Kamet. What if my King is dead and I have failed him?” Costis cries one day. Kamet tries to reassure him. 

“Your King is a clever man,” Kamet says, carefully, “If anything, he has failed you by not sending word that he is well,” Bold words, Kamet knows, but he remembers Eugenides’ wit the last time they met. 

Costis nods, but Kamet can tell that he wishes he was fighting the Medes. Privately, Kamet prays to every god that he knows that Costis will not be summoned to fight. That night, he lets his fears overcome him. He knows Costis will soon leave, regardless of his orders. 

_ What a fool I am,  _ he thinks,  _ that I would rather let Attolia fall than let Costis be harmed.  _

He curls tightly in a ball and tries to stifle the anxious sobs that burst out of him. 

_ \--- _

__ It’s been another week, and Costis is trying almost comically hard to focus on his work. Kamet can tell in the long glances Costis casts towards the sea, his eyes distant. One hot night, Kamet returns from work and finds Costis hunched over his trunk, tears dripping onto his freshly polished armor. 

“Costis?” Kamet says hesitantly, because he’s still afraid, always afraid that he’s being too familiar. 

“Yes?” Costis’s voice is wooden and flat. 

“What are you doing?” Kamet knows he sounds accusatory, but he can’t help himself… 

“Packing. There’s a merchant ship in the harbor that will take me Attolis.” 

Kamet feels his knees go weak, “The king sent for you?” His mouth already tastes of bile. 

“He didn’t,” 

“Then why are you-” 

“Kamet, I have to. I’m too afraid for my king to stay. He  _ needs  _ me,” 

“He has not summoned you?” Kamet is shaking. 

“He doesn’t need to. I must go, Kamet,” Kamet doesn’t hear the pleading tone in Costis’s voice, just the word  _ go.  _ His head is swirling.

_ It’s happening again. The only one I care about is leaving me. I will be alone. “ _ No!” Kamet cries aloud. 

“Kamet?” Kamet must have fallen to his knees at some point because Costis is kneeling beside him. 

_ Gods damn! _

__ “Did you ever think-did it ever occur to you that maybe the king hasn’t sent for because he doesn’t need  _ you?”  _ Kamet regrets it as soon as the words leave his mouth. Costis’s stony facade crumbles into something that can only be described as defeat and Kamet knows that that is exactly why Costis wants to prove that he is needed. 

Costis’s mouth forms words, but no sound comes out. Kamet wants to say something,  _ anything,  _ but Costis is already out the door. 

_ It’s raining,  _ Kamet thinks numbly and buries his head in his hands. 

It’s a crack of thunder that finally stuns Kamet into awareness. His mind immediately imagines Costis, alone and terrified and upset somewhere in the downpour. Heart pounding, he runs out into the storm.

He remembers that Costis once told him he went to bars when he was upset, so he starts running towards the inn. 

It’s a bad storm, filled with dense rain, and Kamet is drenched by the time he reaches the tiny inn. It is lit from within by impossibly warm-looking lanterns. It looks like half the village is here, and Kamet pushes through unnoticed to the stout barkeep. He can only manage to choke out one sentence.

“Where is Costis?” The barkeep’s face falls, and he points to the steps leading to a cellar. Kamet places a coin in the man’s large hand and descends into the dark, damp cellar. 

The din of the inn fades before he reaches the last step and the cellar door falls shut with a definitive  _ thud.  _ He’s a little startled by the silence that fills the room, it fills him with more anxiety than he’d care to admit about Costis, all alone somewhere in this cold, dark place. Kamet lifts his lantern and starts looking through the rows of wine shelves. He’s too ashamed and afraid to call out for Costis, so instead, he listens for the sound of sobbing. His eyesight has gotten so poor that he has trouble distinguishing the shapes of the individual wine bottles. 

_ Costis, please, where are you?  _

__ Kamet is terrified. Something in his gut tells him Costis will be terrified and alone, and that he will not be all right if Kamet does not find him. He keeps walking. There aren’t many more rows of wine bottles, and when Kamet reaches the end of the cellar, he is dismayed to find that Costis is nowhere to be found. 

“Costis?” He calls out, his voice breaking and shrill. When there is no response, he calls out again, “Costis?” Still, nothing. A dagger of terror buries itself in Kamet’s heart. 

He starts combing through the place again. There is no place he could be except-wait, is that a trapdoor to the outside? 

Kamet studies it as best he can, and he can see little drops of water on the underside of the door. Costis must have left the cellar. But why? 

He pushes it open and immediately is drenched with the pouring rain. Kamet ignores it, and runs out towards the beach, a short fifty or so paces away. His instincts tell him that he will find Costis there. 

Sure enough, there is a dark figure slumped on the sand. It’s Costis. 

Kamet runs up to him and falls to his knees beside Costis. He almost can’t hear Costis over the torrents of rain falling around them, but he can make out a series of high pitched, pained, moans of pain. Kamet hesitantly places his hand on Costis’s shoulder. He knows it’s bad because Costis doesn’t even react. 

“Costis?” Kamet says loudly because he is panicking and he can’t even think of the right thing to say because  _ oh gods  _ he’s in love with Costis and he didn’t even realize it until now.  _ Costis,  _ who cared about Kamet before anybody else ever did.  _ Costis,  _ who risked everything for Kamet even after he betrayed him.  _ Costis,  _ who left the life he’d known for this little island of plants of temples to keep Kamet safe.  _ Costis,  _ who Kamet’s done nothing but lie to and bully and berate since they first met. 

“I’m so sorry, Costis. For everything.” Kamet shouts into the wind. His words probably mean nothing to Costis now, but he has to say it. For his own sake. Costis does not lift his head. 

If Kamet weren’t scared out of his mind for Costis, he’d leave and go cry somewhere quiet, but there’s no way he can leave Costis here alone. He puts his arms around Costis and clings to the man. He isn’t even sure what he’s thinking. Is Costis going to hate him? Kamet just wants to make sure he’s safe. Costis’s shoulders heave, and he shudders with silent sobs. Kamet feels tears welling up in his own eyes, tears for his failures and faults and  _ ridiculous  _ love for Costis and how much of a fool he is, and, as the storm intensifies, he lets himself sob into Costis’s shoulder. It’s perhaps a little odd, that he ran out into the storm to do something for Costis-comfort him, perhaps, and now he’s sobbing as if  _ he’s  _ the one who misplaced his trust so wholly in a liar and a fool who didn’t know how to love. Kamet is crying for a long time, at least a half-hour, but he feels Costis shake worse whenever a crack of thunder booms. It almost feels like Costis wants to bolt like a frightened racehorse, but he’s paralyzed with fear and so he does not. 

Kamet almost completely loses awareness of his situation when the rain stops. He’s exhausted from his crying and realization, and he doesn’t even notice when he falls asleep. 

His sleep, if you could call it that, is wracked with nightmares. He dreams that a god, he isn’t even sure which one, pulls him from his little island sanctuary and throws him in a fiery pit of lava beside his master. A booming voice chases him as he falls. 

“You cannot love him, you fool. He is one of my most loyal followers and you have done nothing but fail him and make him believe that you are good,” 

Kamet relaxes as he hit the lava. 

And then the dream shifts He is another god, this one in a ruby crown and more beautiful woman he has ever seen. She almost looks to be etched out of marble, so cold and precise is her beauty. Kamet knows at once which goddess it is. 

_ Hephestia.  _

__ She does not speak, merely frowns and waves her hand at him as if he were some servant. His eyes finally open and he is wretched from the terrifying nightmare. 

And is immediately blinded by a heavy wave of water. Kamet panics. Where is he? All he could feel was a wave of water tossing him about and making it impossible to escape. There is no way for him to know which way was up. He can’t breathe, can’t swim. He flails desperately, hoping against hope that some god will take pity on him and pluck him from this storm.

Kamet realizes that he is going to die here, in this brilliant sea that kept him safe from the world for long. He is sure Costis is safe, and that this is his punishment for his failures. It’s only fitting, after all, that he should die here, so far from who he loved and his home. He gives himself up to the waves and within moments, the blackness overcomes him. 

\----

Kamet awakes to a dim room.  _ Wait,  _ his  _ room?  _ His lungs burn with effort as he tries to sit up, but he falls back. A warm, sure hand steadies him. 

“Costis?” He hopes, prays, really, that it is Costis. Despite his shame, there’s nobody he’d rather be with. 

“Kamet, you  _ fool!”  _ It’s definitely Costis, and he’s definitely furious at Kamet. Kamet wants to sink into the straw he’s lying on, “How could you let yourself get swept out like that? I couldn’t grab you because you were so limp! You’re so lucky I found you,”  _ I am, but I wish you hadn’t,  _ Kamet thinks dismally, “Why would you do this to me? I-Dammit, Kamet!” Attolians tend to be passionate, still, his intensity surprises Kamet. There’s really no good response to that, but Kamet opens his mouth anyway. 

“I’m so sorry, Costis. I was afraid that you would go off to the war and leave me alone again.” His voice is raspy from the saltwater that he’s sure is still clogging his lungs. Kamet isn’t even sure how he can think coherently right now. 

“Kamet, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking when I said that I’d leave you here. I don’t know why the king hasn’t sent for me,” Costis pauses, and Kamet can see the still-fresh grief and worry etching his face, “If I were really that important, he’d send for me, right?” 

“Costis-” Kamet realizes that that is exactly what he told Costis before their fight, and a wave of regret sweeps him. Costis’s face crumples. Kamet isn’t even sure why, but Costis leaves the room, defeat in his posture. Kamet is so confused by everything that is happening to him. Costis is sad, but not just from the king, and Costis wants to leave, but he won’t leave Kamet behind, and Kamet cannot apologize even though he-

And then he remembers the realization he came to on the beach. Somehow, against all odds, Kamet was  _ in love  _ with Costis. And he had done the opposite of show it. He’d been so  _ horrible  _ to him.  _ Gods,  _ what had he done? 

Kamet reaches for the glass of water at his nightstand to wash away the sob building in his throat. The water is… herbal? It almost tastes like one of the sleeping draughts his master would give him after a rough beating. 

Kamet lies back, and five minutes later, he is asleep. 

When he comes to, Costis is once again beside his bed. Kamet feels much more clearheaded now, but he still almost cried when Costis smiles at him and grabs his hand. The warmth feels nice, almost like a tether keeping Kamet from slipping into the dark place he knows he is on the precipice of once again.

“Kamet, I meant to give you that sleeping draught. I’m glad you found it,” Costis affords a shaky smile, “I went out hiking yesterday, and one of the little boys from the village tripped me! I almost fell down the hill and into the sea!” He’s clearly trying to get things back to normal. 

It’s when he keeps talking, trying to make Kamet laugh, that Kamet knows, sudden;y, as clear as the sky here on a beautiful day, that he must tell Costis how he feels. That way, Costis can leave with a clear conscience.

“Costis,” Kamet begins quietly, interrupting Costis “I have to tell you something,” He’s shaking. The world tunnels around him until he’s left with only the ceiling in his view. He can’t bear to look at Costis right now, “I’m,” He chokes on the next words, “I’m in love with you?” He’s sure he’s right, that Costis hates him now because Costis’s face is suddenly grim. 

“Kamet?” The other man’s voice is surprisingly soft, “Kamet, I’ve been trying to tell you the same thing for almost a  _ year  _ now,” There it is. Costis will go now without a doubt because he doesn’t love Kamet and-

“You love me?” Kamet’s voice is small, childlike. 

“Of course I love you, you fool! Immakuk and Ennikar, remember? That’s what they were trying to tell us!” Kamet can’t help it, he starts laughing, a smile on his face. How could he have been so foolish to think Costis didn’t love him? It’s like the clouds have lifted around him. 

Costis’s face is like the sun as they laugh together, and Kamet’s grin keeps growing and growing until he thinks he’s never been happy before and his heart almost bursts when Costis finally takes his face in his hands and kisses him, sweet as a summers day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fic! I hope you liked it! Please leave kudos/comments, they are always greatly appreciated! <3
> 
> If you wanna scream about these books with me, head over to my Tumblr, bi-lady-knight :)


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